Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Happy days

Yesteday's meeting was positive, T came with me and it was the first time he had met one person and he thought they had a forked tongue. That was a reliefe and I need to remember that when I go back, there is always one fly in the ointment and I need to just keep on the right side, I know now they can't be relied to to help or support me.
So it was great to get it out of the way, I had a long form to fill in to claim that this was injury at work, which was difficult and time consuming, but again it was another thing achieved and out of the way. Today has been a good day, I felt really well today and went out with Emma and didn't feel anxious.
Happy happy day.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Monday monday

Wedding weekend over, the months of anxiety were at least justified, although of course, a waste of time and hours awake when should have been asleep. However its now over and T thought I coped very well, while I can't really see that at the moment, I appreciate that I did not run away screaming or lie under the table in a puddle of urine! It was good to see family for the first time in ages, I just felt very anxious, scared and uncomfortable.
Billy stayed with Fred and Auds I missed him tons but he had a grand time!
I have an appointment tomorrow at work, not looking forward to that, the RCN rep said be honest about my anxieties, we haven't got all day!
Managed Adsa this morning with flying colours I feel, onwards and upwards must keep getting better and back in the saddle.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

I am going to stop taking pics of birds with my phone! You can not see what I could see but believe me we went out for a walk this morning to find Purple Sandpipers and there they were having a wash in a puddle with some Turnstones. Perfect start to my birthday.
I had a meeting with my manager this afternoon that was not perfect and I should have listened and taken the RCN rep with me.
T spoke to his brother, who has the new baby, this evening. T looked so happy to be talking to him and he said F sounded tired and emotional. Aww it's such a lovely time, you are so bowled over with emotion and love for the new being in your life, no one can prepare you for it.

Happy day

Purple sandpipers + turnstones

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Couldn't sleep last night at all, so got up early and took Bill for a long walk around the Bill. Saw so many birds it was great, my phone camera isn't great but that's a snap of some Oyster Catchers and one busy Turnstone flipping seaweed in the air and keeping out of the way of the waves. Max had dentist today, I nearly fell asleep in the waiting room! Bought baby Joseph an outfit, it took us ages to decide, they were all so cute! Then I went to the sewing shop and bought some lovely fabrics to do something creative for Easter, don't know what yet!

Oyster catchers snoozing

Turnstone in front


A few flakes of snow

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

New baby

T and I have a new nephew, we are very happy and look forward to meeting him. I'm looking forward to buying him a pressie tomorrow, must not get broody!
Sav has arrived for half term, looking beautiful as ever and talking so fast it will take a few days to tune my ears in again!
Had appointment with occupational health who feel I am not yet robust enough for work, probably right but will I ever be ready? As soon as I start thinking about going back my anxiety levels go sky high again. Perhaps need to try another therapy, CBT rather then the EMDR? I don't know, maybe I will phone psychologist tomorrow.
M was very helpful today and good company.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Valentine's day

I have had such a lovely, relaxing and special day with the 2 loves in my life, T and Billy dog! T is always very romantic and makes such an effort to make me feel loved, this year was extra special because I'm not myself at the moment and he was so thoughtful.
T made a delicious breakfast and lunch. Later we went to the RSPB's reserve at Radipole Lake, I have wanted to go for ages, the walkways are great with lots of places to stop and look down the reed beds at different birds. We saw about 20 different species. This evening we went for a marvelous meal at the Blue Fish, as always the food was delicious with great flavors and interesting combinations, T's desert was pineapple and chili ! Felt anxious about work and the wedding party today but nether anxieties stopped me enjoying day.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Hair cut, job done!

My anxieties pre trim were justified and accurate, but it's done. Not really sure how it looks, I didn't blow dry it, just pulled a hat on and took the dog straight out after Gem had gone.
There was a discussion on Woman's Hour about PTSD, (in the military) very interesting and relevant. Always good to hear your symptoms described by another person, you feel less mad, less stigmatised. Treated myself to RSPB membership today, think spending time outside has been good for my mental health and want to maintain this when I go back to work. Have requested a relaxing sitting area in the garden for my birthday.
M is being an irritating teen today, rude, stomping, grunting and pushing all the buttons that are guaranteed to make me scream at him! We've had a good week so far, why he has to mess the nest now? I don't know. Is it due to going to his Dad tomorrow? It would make me grumpy!
T has come home with lots of lovely cards and gifts from children in school today, his mat leave cover is over, tonight he is out for his leaving do. I have nicked a strawberry cream from one of the box of chocs!

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Anxiety reigns again

There's an article about PTSD in the Guardian G2 today, but I can't read it because of my poor concentration due to PTSD! It'll probably take me a week.
Took myself way out of comfort zone today, it took me ages to stop feeling shaky and anxious and for T to point out the big improvement I have made, he's right I would not have done half of what I achieved today a month ago and although it felt really uncomfortable, I did do it.
Was stressed by the fact that I had two things booked into today, but the hairdresser cancelled. So I continue to have big hair and can stress about getting it cut and having someone in my personal space, touching my head and talking to me, all at the same time another day. Phew!

Monday, 8 February 2010

Chilly day

It's good to have M. home, he had a fab time and returns with lots of dirty washing and a video film with some rather dirty language, will have to wash his mouth as well as his socks!
Billy and I had a lovely walk around the Bill this morning, I was watching an Oyster Catcher on the grass between the beach huts, when a bird of prey plopped down next to it. It was bigger than a kestrel and I didn't know what it was until I got home and looked it up, I couldn't believe it but I emailed the Observatory and they said yes it was a Peregrine (wow!)
Had to go to Asda, it hung over the morning like a heavy weight, I felt anxious and shaky about it. I phoned work and got a rather cool reception, spoke to Mum after and she helped me get it into perspective and move on with the day. Need to stop getting worked up and just try going back.
Good old Mum she saved the day, once again! I cleaned the oven this afternoon, steps back in amazement, we're not moving house and I'm not about to have a baby, but I cleaned it anyway. Or made a start at least! It must be 5 years since I last attacked it, ooppps! The oven kept me away from the studio, so nothing creative going on today, tomorrow has two things going on, eekk will I cope? Wednesday I'll get up there! It's a plan.

Portland Bill

Chilly morning walk

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Portland Bill

Cormorant or Shag?

Sunny day

Better day today, T at home, although busy writing reports. A bird in the garden that I couldn't identify this morning, I think it was a Black Cap, anyway he was very happy on the seed/berry cake!
While Ireland played rugby and T sat hunched and tense on the edge of the sofa, Billy and I enjoyed a walk around the Bill in the sunshine. A naval ship was firing, I don't know what, just off the coast, it made a very loud noise and 4 plumes of smoke hung in the air for a long time after, the men in the coast guards hut were looking too. I took a pic with my phone but you can't really see much. The gulls were flying so close to the cliff edge it felt as if you could almost touch them, I didn't try, the rocks beneath are not very kindly looking. Plenty of sea birds on the rocks, busy diving in and out of the sea, so amazing to watch.
Max called T to discuss the rugby, he's home tomorrow and it sounds as if he's had a fantastic week away.
Have started another jigsaw this evening and really must try and get into the studio tomorrow, felt a bit like walking under a heavy weight today. Perhaps after yesterday or a night of little sleep this feeling is inevitable and I should make more realistic goals. Tomorrow's another day!

Friday, 5 February 2010

Spent all day fretting over the rep, even though I had emailed her, but I don't seem able to move on and say to myself "ok its sorted, now forget it". Plus I was beating myself up over my lack of executive brain function and wishing I had just said "no" in the first place rather than being bulldozed into a meeting I didn't want. Anyway I phoned work to speak to the team leader but S answered and she was probably busy but her lack of chat makes me think they're probably talking about me and hate me, I know feeling paranoid is part of PTSD but again I'm worrying and replaying the conversation (brief) over and over. Oh bugger I just want to rewind and go back to the woman I was before the trauma, efficient, level, functioning and juggling life.
Felt much better once T got home from work, he makes me laugh at my insecurities and craziness, he's very supportive and calming.
Finally mitts for Loz finished and sewn up the right way round, will post them to her tomorrow. Hope they go with her coat!

Knitty mitts

Ha finished them!


I am having a very anxious morning, the RCN rep has contacted me and now i'm all of a fluster, thank goodness for Mum's intuition, she called and calmed me down, phew. Decided to sew the mitts i'd knitted for loz up and did them back to front, now need to unpick, aarrgh!

Thursday, 4 February 2010


Day started well with EMDR, feeling much stronger and realise that by going out of my comfort zone there will be a down period. I must remember this when I go back to work and take it slowly. Tonic suggested 2 days on and a day off then two days and the weekend to recover, she also said I was like a Pheonix rising from the flames, fab eh!?
Felt panicky and anxious thinking must get my hair cut next week, how ridiculous is that, I don't want to talk to hairdresser or put head back to have hair washed. Still don't particularly want to walk around with big head of hair.
I spoke to RCN rep, well I should have done that along time ago. There is an NHS scheme for people injured at work, funny how no one else has thought to mention this. Wish I had not wasted so many nights worrying about how we were going to cope financially. Have drafted a letter to HR and feel cross that when I asked about benefits last week she kept that quiet.
T and I watched Cinderella Man this evening, I couldn't watch the fight scenes, had to hide behind the sofa! It was a really good film, Russell Crowe didn't look as handsome as he normally does but still great!

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Home again, home again, gigetty gig

Had a lovely time at Mum and Dad's the journey was easy this time and I had Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope to listen to in the car. Mum and I went shopping, I could feel how much I had improved in the last few months and felt I coped well. I stupidly didn't take enough medication for my stay so had to go to my old GP's, it took too long out of our short time together, but perhaps it will teach me a lesson. We looked at old photos, it was lovely and we both got sentimental and gooey over Max, Oli and Ella. M+D liked the sketches I had done for the painting to go in the redecorated dining room.
Max has phoned and he sounds like he's having a fab time, still in one piece (phew) and happy, who could ask for more?
Now I am back home with T we can enjoy some time on our own, although not this evening as Leeds are on the TV loosing to Spurs! Billy is fast asleep toasting his tummy in front of the fire. EMDR therapy tomorrow morning, not looking forward to it.