2 weeks off

Enjoying a break, although work has been a lot better over last few months I really need a break! Last weekend a patient screamed in my face and told me to leave her house, I was so shaken, she made me cry. I didn't like being at work on my own on that day :( I felt out of my depth and wonder if I will ever be back to myself? I'm going to see GP this week, see what he says.
On Sunday we celebrated Blod's 21st, I cannot believe it has been 21 years since I was 21 and held that little scrap it for the first time in mum's garden. She is a beautiful, lovely person. And no I don't think I'm biased! It was a lovely family day, the sun shone and Billy enjoyed the bbq!
To celebrate T's day we went to London, I loved living there, oh to be young again and not contemplating marriage to a, hmm well I leave that thought, you shouldn't really say "what if" should you?! Anyway it was a very special day out with both kids, we took cabs and enjoyed a lot of al fresco dinning. Lunch in the Tate with j & j, Miro exhibition and Biggles' special sausage shop. Fab.
Mum made T a coming home from school cake, it was a good day.

Last days of RMAC for M

We have had a lovely few days, it's been busy and a bit stressful but very worth it. M finished his GCSE's and had a graduation assembly at school, he got 3 golds we were so proud of him. I was so glad Mum and Dad were there to share the moment, they have been so supportive, M never liked school as a little boy and so many times M&D kept me going and shared the positive times. It was great they were there to enjoy such a success, it also made it really special for M. In the evening we had a meal that Al and Anan came too, that was important for M and could have been difficult, particularly when himself came in to the house and didn't say hello to me.... idiot. Still it was important to all be there for M and he appreciated it.

Before the Prom the neighbours and M's friends came in for a drink then we went to watch all the pupils arrive for Prom, wow what a big deal it all is, as people got out of their cars the crowd cheered! It was great fun, so glad we went up to watch. Also so glad M not a girl, there was a serious amount of time and money behind some of the frocks, spray tans, makeup and cars!! It was wonderful to see M happy and doing well, he looked fab, so grown up and he was so confident, chatting to people, working the crowd like my Grandad used to! Over the last few days people have said some lovely positive things about him, I hope his results are good enough for him to go on to Budmth to do A levels.

M went off to his dad's for the first time in ages T and I have some time to ourselves, bliss! We went to S-on-A for a party which was good.

I have been feeling a bit worse in terms of stress levels, not sleeping so well, getting anxious and that but really we have been so busy at work and so much going on at home I think it's probably the reason but its a bit worrying and I am fed up with being a bit mad and not my old self. Anyway at work yesterday a patient's reli was aggressive and verbally abusive but I was calm and professional and got myself out of the house and called for some back up. Afterwards, yes I was shaky and my adrenaline levels were high but I carried on and about 2-3 hours after I was fine, I feel really positive about that, imagine if that had happened 4 or 5 months ago.... the other thing is the team was different, with the changes those that were left were kind and supportive, hhmm what a shame that was overshadowed two years ago by the lack of understanding and support that went on. Oh nurses can be mean!

sunshine

T and I went camping again at the weekend, the weather was fab, it was warm and sunny but it was sooo cold at night! Billy was much more settled this time and we didn't have M with us so we went to an 18+ site. I was slightly nervous wondering if it would be like a swingers site but it was very peaceful with out kids and no one asked us for our car keys.
I've been so much better recently but today was a bad day, I'm much more jumpy and Asda was a nightmare. I read a novel over the weekend called Summer of Secrets about a girl with PTSD, it was good, very accurate. I liked her counsellor he was very informative! It's good to be able to concentrate and read again.

Billy by the Fleet

So tired

I haven't slept properly in days, the limited amount of sleep I was getting has reduced since starting phased return, little wonder, some of my "mates" at work can be rather brutal. I obviously have a large sign over my head that says "kick me while I'm down"
The carnival college course is fab. I'm enjoying being creative and can get lost in the sketchbook stuff for hours. Some of the teachers on the course can be a bit miserable.
Wish I could think of another job I could do other than nursing, i'll wait for inspiration to strike.

Tough stuff

Being back at work is so very hard, there isn't any understanding about PTSD, which is ok but I don't know who to go to to talk about the lack of support and the huge triggers that exist. I want to be able to get back and be able to cope but I worry about it alot and have become more symtomatic.
Mum and Dad came at the weekend which was lovely, Dad and I saw swallows and wheaters, dad got great photos.
My college course is great, its good to be creative and do sketchbook stuff. I feel like I'm doing alright when I do that.

Back in uniform

1st day back at work today, actually only managed 2 hours, was sick before I went and felt very shaky while there. Next time won't be so bad and I just have to weigh up if I can continue to work with the person that made me so ill and who obviously hasn't made an effort to understand what I've been through. Exhausting spent the afternoon asleep.

doing well

Since the wedding and the meeting are now behind me things are really looking up, I have been on a level plateau with just a few blips of anxiety, nothing huge. In fact don't want this weeks EMDR would rather keep jogging along with all the grotty thoughts tucked safely away!
On Saturday T and I went to see the new baby, oh he's so sweet and of course I did get broody cuddling him and kissing his little head! We stayed at M + D's it was good to see them both.
It was the first time since summer that I looked forward to doing something, I wasn't at all worried it was such a liberating feeling.
The sun was out today and Bill and I had a lovely long walk, it was warm and we saw loads of birds, well I did he's a dog so not really fussed, what's more I did some painting in the studio, hoorah, what a great day!

Happy days

Yesteday's meeting was positive, T came with me and it was the first time he had met one person and he thought they had a forked tongue. That was a reliefe and I need to remember that when I go back, there is always one fly in the ointment and I need to just keep on the right side, I know now they can't be relied to to help or support me.
So it was great to get it out of the way, I had a long form to fill in to claim that this was injury at work, which was difficult and time consuming, but again it was another thing achieved and out of the way. Today has been a good day, I felt really well today and went out with Emma and didn't feel anxious.
Happy happy day.

Monday monday

Wedding weekend over, the months of anxiety were at least justified, although of course, a waste of time and hours awake when should have been asleep. However its now over and T thought I coped very well, while I can't really see that at the moment, I appreciate that I did not run away screaming or lie under the table in a puddle of urine! It was good to see family for the first time in ages, I just felt very anxious, scared and uncomfortable.
Billy stayed with Fred and Auds I missed him tons but he had a grand time!
I have an appointment tomorrow at work, not looking forward to that, the RCN rep said be honest about my anxieties, we haven't got all day!
Managed Adsa this morning with flying colours I feel, onwards and upwards must keep getting better and back in the saddle.

New baby

T and I have a new nephew, we are very happy and look forward to meeting him. I'm looking forward to buying him a pressie tomorrow, must not get broody!
Sav has arrived for half term, looking beautiful as ever and talking so fast it will take a few days to tune my ears in again!
Had appointment with occupational health who feel I am not yet robust enough for work, probably right but will I ever be ready? As soon as I start thinking about going back my anxiety levels go sky high again. Perhaps need to try another therapy, CBT rather then the EMDR? I don't know, maybe I will phone psychologist tomorrow.
M was very helpful today and good company.

Valentine's day

I have had such a lovely, relaxing and special day with the 2 loves in my life, T and Billy dog! T is always very romantic and makes such an effort to make me feel loved, this year was extra special because I'm not myself at the moment and he was so thoughtful.
T made a delicious breakfast and lunch. Later we went to the RSPB's reserve at Radipole Lake, I have wanted to go for ages, the walkways are great with lots of places to stop and look down the reed beds at different birds. We saw about 20 different species. This evening we went for a marvelous meal at the Blue Fish, as always the food was delicious with great flavors and interesting combinations, T's desert was pineapple and chili ! Felt anxious about work and the wedding party today but nether anxieties stopped me enjoying day.

Hair cut, job done!

My anxieties pre trim were justified and accurate, but it's done. Not really sure how it looks, I didn't blow dry it, just pulled a hat on and took the dog straight out after Gem had gone.
There was a discussion on Woman's Hour about PTSD, (in the military) very interesting and relevant. Always good to hear your symptoms described by another person, you feel less mad, less stigmatised. Treated myself to RSPB membership today, think spending time outside has been good for my mental health and want to maintain this when I go back to work. Have requested a relaxing sitting area in the garden for my birthday.
M is being an irritating teen today, rude, stomping, grunting and pushing all the buttons that are guaranteed to make me scream at him! We've had a good week so far, why he has to mess the nest now? I don't know. Is it due to going to his Dad tomorrow? It would make me grumpy!
T has come home with lots of lovely cards and gifts from children in school today, his mat leave cover is over, tonight he is out for his leaving do. I have nicked a strawberry cream from one of the box of chocs!

Anxiety reigns again

There's an article about PTSD in the Guardian G2 today, but I can't read it because of my poor concentration due to PTSD! It'll probably take me a week.
Took myself way out of comfort zone today, it took me ages to stop feeling shaky and anxious and for T to point out the big improvement I have made, he's right I would not have done half of what I achieved today a month ago and although it felt really uncomfortable, I did do it.
Was stressed by the fact that I had two things booked into today, but the hairdresser cancelled. So I continue to have big hair and can stress about getting it cut and having someone in my personal space, touching my head and talking to me, all at the same time another day. Phew!

Chilly day

It's good to have M. home, he had a fab time and returns with lots of dirty washing and a video film with some rather dirty language, will have to wash his mouth as well as his socks!
Billy and I had a lovely walk around the Bill this morning, I was watching an Oyster Catcher on the grass between the beach huts, when a bird of prey plopped down next to it. It was bigger than a kestrel and I didn't know what it was until I got home and looked it up, I couldn't believe it but I emailed the Observatory and they said yes it was a Peregrine (wow!)
Had to go to Asda, it hung over the morning like a heavy weight, I felt anxious and shaky about it. I phoned work and got a rather cool reception, spoke to Mum after and she helped me get it into perspective and move on with the day. Need to stop getting worked up and just try going back.
Good old Mum she saved the day, once again! I cleaned the oven this afternoon, steps back in amazement, we're not moving house and I'm not about to have a baby, but I cleaned it anyway. Or made a start at least! It must be 5 years since I last attacked it, ooppps! The oven kept me away from the studio, so nothing creative going on today, tomorrow has two things going on, eekk will I cope? Wednesday I'll get up there! It's a plan.

Spent all day fretting over the rep, even though I had emailed her, but I don't seem able to move on and say to myself "ok its sorted, now forget it". Plus I was beating myself up over my lack of executive brain function and wishing I had just said "no" in the first place rather than being bulldozed into a meeting I didn't want. Anyway I phoned work to speak to the team leader but S answered and she was probably busy but her lack of chat makes me think they're probably talking about me and hate me, I know feeling paranoid is part of PTSD but again I'm worrying and replaying the conversation (brief) over and over. Oh bugger I just want to rewind and go back to the woman I was before the trauma, efficient, level, functioning and juggling life.
Felt much better once T got home from work, he makes me laugh at my insecurities and craziness, he's very supportive and calming.
Finally mitts for Loz finished and sewn up the right way round, will post them to her tomorrow. Hope they go with her coat!

Curses

I am having a very anxious morning, the RCN rep has contacted me and now i'm all of a fluster, thank goodness for Mum's intuition, she called and calmed me down, phew. Decided to sew the mitts i'd knitted for loz up and did them back to front, now need to unpick, aarrgh!