Sunny Sunday

I have a list of jobs to do and no motivation to get started, it's a beautiful day and we didn't actualy wake up until 11 oops!
I have CBT homework to do, boring. I'm not sure it's helping that much, the therapist is wider than she is tall, it's difficult re:learning behaviour from a woman with low self esteem and a lack of will power. I know that's mean but she isn't that professional, I don't want to hear about the death of her father and her marriage breakdown, I have enough problems of my own and an hour isn't that long when I have to listen to her too. I want it to be all about me!!
Last weekend T and I went to his sister's and celebrated his Mum's 80th birthday we were all there apart from Sav. What a lovely day, we had a picnic and the weather was perfect. Bill was in labrador heaven! It took us ages to get there though. On the way back we talked about moving to be nearer family. It's so beautiful here but it's a high price to pay for missing friends and family and not being able to find another job. We'll see but it's good to be thinking about making positive plans together and talking about change and not getting freaked out!
Well I had better make a start on the homework and the other jobs, perhaps T could iron for me, I hate that job!

Pledge | Stamp Out Stigma

Pledge | Stamp Out Stigma

sunshine

T and I went camping again at the weekend, the weather was fab, it was warm and sunny but it was sooo cold at night! Billy was much more settled this time and we didn't have M with us so we went to an 18+ site. I was slightly nervous wondering if it would be like a swingers site but it was very peaceful with out kids and no one asked us for our car keys.
I've been so much better recently but today was a bad day, I'm much more jumpy and Asda was a nightmare. I read a novel over the weekend called Summer of Secrets about a girl with PTSD, it was good, very accurate. I liked her counsellor he was very informative! It's good to be able to concentrate and read again.

Billy by the Fleet

outdoor madness

When T and I first met I said I would never camp, today we not only bought a tent but booked ourselves a night at a campsite 5 mins down the road to give said new tent a dry run. (lets hope it is a dry night or it will be a one night stand for me and the tent!)
Not sure what has changed my mind but quiet looking forward to getting out of the house and slowing down a bit.
Work is still a struggle andl I haven't had any ideas of what else I could do, i'm very tired and have gone back to feeling as if I'm walking through treacle. Lets hope the time out in the sun has some relaxing benefits to my poor brain.

So tired

I haven't slept properly in days, the limited amount of sleep I was getting has reduced since starting phased return, little wonder, some of my "mates" at work can be rather brutal. I obviously have a large sign over my head that says "kick me while I'm down"
The carnival college course is fab. I'm enjoying being creative and can get lost in the sketchbook stuff for hours. Some of the teachers on the course can be a bit miserable.
Wish I could think of another job I could do other than nursing, i'll wait for inspiration to strike.

Tough stuff

Being back at work is so very hard, there isn't any understanding about PTSD, which is ok but I don't know who to go to to talk about the lack of support and the huge triggers that exist. I want to be able to get back and be able to cope but I worry about it alot and have become more symtomatic.
Mum and Dad came at the weekend which was lovely, Dad and I saw swallows and wheaters, dad got great photos.
My college course is great, its good to be creative and do sketchbook stuff. I feel like I'm doing alright when I do that.

Back in uniform

1st day back at work today, actually only managed 2 hours, was sick before I went and felt very shaky while there. Next time won't be so bad and I just have to weigh up if I can continue to work with the person that made me so ill and who obviously hasn't made an effort to understand what I've been through. Exhausting spent the afternoon asleep.

doing well

Since the wedding and the meeting are now behind me things are really looking up, I have been on a level plateau with just a few blips of anxiety, nothing huge. In fact don't want this weeks EMDR would rather keep jogging along with all the grotty thoughts tucked safely away!
On Saturday T and I went to see the new baby, oh he's so sweet and of course I did get broody cuddling him and kissing his little head! We stayed at M + D's it was good to see them both.
It was the first time since summer that I looked forward to doing something, I wasn't at all worried it was such a liberating feeling.
The sun was out today and Bill and I had a lovely long walk, it was warm and we saw loads of birds, well I did he's a dog so not really fussed, what's more I did some painting in the studio, hoorah, what a great day!

Happy days

Yesteday's meeting was positive, T came with me and it was the first time he had met one person and he thought they had a forked tongue. That was a reliefe and I need to remember that when I go back, there is always one fly in the ointment and I need to just keep on the right side, I know now they can't be relied to to help or support me.
So it was great to get it out of the way, I had a long form to fill in to claim that this was injury at work, which was difficult and time consuming, but again it was another thing achieved and out of the way. Today has been a good day, I felt really well today and went out with Emma and didn't feel anxious.
Happy happy day.

Monday monday

Wedding weekend over, the months of anxiety were at least justified, although of course, a waste of time and hours awake when should have been asleep. However its now over and T thought I coped very well, while I can't really see that at the moment, I appreciate that I did not run away screaming or lie under the table in a puddle of urine! It was good to see family for the first time in ages, I just felt very anxious, scared and uncomfortable.
Billy stayed with Fred and Auds I missed him tons but he had a grand time!
I have an appointment tomorrow at work, not looking forward to that, the RCN rep said be honest about my anxieties, we haven't got all day!
Managed Adsa this morning with flying colours I feel, onwards and upwards must keep getting better and back in the saddle.