Oh it's been ages

Haven't blogged since last two weeks of annual leave and here I am another two weeks off and finally get some time to blog again.
So erm what's been occurring? Well not much, work is up and down, L has retired and I miss her, she was very supportive and I would not have got back to work if she hadn't helped me. Some new people have started and they are great.
I found a PTSD support link on Twitter, that posted a link about research suggesting creativity good for mental health. I guess we all know that really but it's given me the boot to make more time for fiddling about in my studio. I made some bunting for this summer's O'H wedding and then I made some for our tent. Now i'm turning out reversible tote bags, it's fun and takes my mind off things. Also people willing to buy them from me so house not buried in stuff I've made!
Last weekend we went to Norfolk to celebrate Si's 40th, it was a lovely few days, the Smith's joined us, it was so good to see them all, the new baby is delicious, her head is perfect, Blobbie would have adored her.
I struggled a bit with all the people and talking but it was great, I couldn't have done that last year.  Poor T has a cold this half term, good job I'm off because the snoring is shaking the house and sleep isn't easy.

sunshine

T and I went camping again at the weekend, the weather was fab, it was warm and sunny but it was sooo cold at night! Billy was much more settled this time and we didn't have M with us so we went to an 18+ site. I was slightly nervous wondering if it would be like a swingers site but it was very peaceful with out kids and no one asked us for our car keys.
I've been so much better recently but today was a bad day, I'm much more jumpy and Asda was a nightmare. I read a novel over the weekend called Summer of Secrets about a girl with PTSD, it was good, very accurate. I liked her counsellor he was very informative! It's good to be able to concentrate and read again.

Billy by the Fleet

Tough stuff

Being back at work is so very hard, there isn't any understanding about PTSD, which is ok but I don't know who to go to to talk about the lack of support and the huge triggers that exist. I want to be able to get back and be able to cope but I worry about it alot and have become more symtomatic.
Mum and Dad came at the weekend which was lovely, Dad and I saw swallows and wheaters, dad got great photos.
My college course is great, its good to be creative and do sketchbook stuff. I feel like I'm doing alright when I do that.

Hair cut, job done!

My anxieties pre trim were justified and accurate, but it's done. Not really sure how it looks, I didn't blow dry it, just pulled a hat on and took the dog straight out after Gem had gone.
There was a discussion on Woman's Hour about PTSD, (in the military) very interesting and relevant. Always good to hear your symptoms described by another person, you feel less mad, less stigmatised. Treated myself to RSPB membership today, think spending time outside has been good for my mental health and want to maintain this when I go back to work. Have requested a relaxing sitting area in the garden for my birthday.
M is being an irritating teen today, rude, stomping, grunting and pushing all the buttons that are guaranteed to make me scream at him! We've had a good week so far, why he has to mess the nest now? I don't know. Is it due to going to his Dad tomorrow? It would make me grumpy!
T has come home with lots of lovely cards and gifts from children in school today, his mat leave cover is over, tonight he is out for his leaving do. I have nicked a strawberry cream from one of the box of chocs!

Anxiety reigns again

There's an article about PTSD in the Guardian G2 today, but I can't read it because of my poor concentration due to PTSD! It'll probably take me a week.
Took myself way out of comfort zone today, it took me ages to stop feeling shaky and anxious and for T to point out the big improvement I have made, he's right I would not have done half of what I achieved today a month ago and although it felt really uncomfortable, I did do it.
Was stressed by the fact that I had two things booked into today, but the hairdresser cancelled. So I continue to have big hair and can stress about getting it cut and having someone in my personal space, touching my head and talking to me, all at the same time another day. Phew!

Spent all day fretting over the rep, even though I had emailed her, but I don't seem able to move on and say to myself "ok its sorted, now forget it". Plus I was beating myself up over my lack of executive brain function and wishing I had just said "no" in the first place rather than being bulldozed into a meeting I didn't want. Anyway I phoned work to speak to the team leader but S answered and she was probably busy but her lack of chat makes me think they're probably talking about me and hate me, I know feeling paranoid is part of PTSD but again I'm worrying and replaying the conversation (brief) over and over. Oh bugger I just want to rewind and go back to the woman I was before the trauma, efficient, level, functioning and juggling life.
Felt much better once T got home from work, he makes me laugh at my insecurities and craziness, he's very supportive and calming.
Finally mitts for Loz finished and sewn up the right way round, will post them to her tomorrow. Hope they go with her coat!

Bill

This is Billy-dog, looking a bit hot and bothered in my Mum's lovely garden. I wish our garden was such a haven, its a bit of a jungle and not very private. Perhaps this year we will get round to making it a little more friendly.

I have been off sick from work with PTSD, it's been a living nightmare, can't believe such a thing could happen to me, but anyway I'm getting better. I've been having EMDR which has moved things along at a faster pace.

Plan to walk Billy with Audrey today, but as usual when we make a walking date its raining!