Oh it's been ages

Haven't blogged since last two weeks of annual leave and here I am another two weeks off and finally get some time to blog again.
So erm what's been occurring? Well not much, work is up and down, L has retired and I miss her, she was very supportive and I would not have got back to work if she hadn't helped me. Some new people have started and they are great.
I found a PTSD support link on Twitter, that posted a link about research suggesting creativity good for mental health. I guess we all know that really but it's given me the boot to make more time for fiddling about in my studio. I made some bunting for this summer's O'H wedding and then I made some for our tent. Now i'm turning out reversible tote bags, it's fun and takes my mind off things. Also people willing to buy them from me so house not buried in stuff I've made!
Last weekend we went to Norfolk to celebrate Si's 40th, it was a lovely few days, the Smith's joined us, it was so good to see them all, the new baby is delicious, her head is perfect, Blobbie would have adored her.
I struggled a bit with all the people and talking but it was great, I couldn't have done that last year.  Poor T has a cold this half term, good job I'm off because the snoring is shaking the house and sleep isn't easy.

2 weeks off

Enjoying a break, although work has been a lot better over last few months I really need a break! Last weekend a patient screamed in my face and told me to leave her house, I was so shaken, she made me cry. I didn't like being at work on my own on that day :( I felt out of my depth and wonder if I will ever be back to myself? I'm going to see GP this week, see what he says.
On Sunday we celebrated Blod's 21st, I cannot believe it has been 21 years since I was 21 and held that little scrap it for the first time in mum's garden. She is a beautiful, lovely person. And no I don't think I'm biased! It was a lovely family day, the sun shone and Billy enjoyed the bbq!
To celebrate T's day we went to London, I loved living there, oh to be young again and not contemplating marriage to a, hmm well I leave that thought, you shouldn't really say "what if" should you?! Anyway it was a very special day out with both kids, we took cabs and enjoyed a lot of al fresco dinning. Lunch in the Tate with j & j, Miro exhibition and Biggles' special sausage shop. Fab.
Mum made T a coming home from school cake, it was a good day.

Last days of RMAC for M

We have had a lovely few days, it's been busy and a bit stressful but very worth it. M finished his GCSE's and had a graduation assembly at school, he got 3 golds we were so proud of him. I was so glad Mum and Dad were there to share the moment, they have been so supportive, M never liked school as a little boy and so many times M&D kept me going and shared the positive times. It was great they were there to enjoy such a success, it also made it really special for M. In the evening we had a meal that Al and Anan came too, that was important for M and could have been difficult, particularly when himself came in to the house and didn't say hello to me.... idiot. Still it was important to all be there for M and he appreciated it.

Before the Prom the neighbours and M's friends came in for a drink then we went to watch all the pupils arrive for Prom, wow what a big deal it all is, as people got out of their cars the crowd cheered! It was great fun, so glad we went up to watch. Also so glad M not a girl, there was a serious amount of time and money behind some of the frocks, spray tans, makeup and cars!! It was wonderful to see M happy and doing well, he looked fab, so grown up and he was so confident, chatting to people, working the crowd like my Grandad used to! Over the last few days people have said some lovely positive things about him, I hope his results are good enough for him to go on to Budmth to do A levels.

M went off to his dad's for the first time in ages T and I have some time to ourselves, bliss! We went to S-on-A for a party which was good.

I have been feeling a bit worse in terms of stress levels, not sleeping so well, getting anxious and that but really we have been so busy at work and so much going on at home I think it's probably the reason but its a bit worrying and I am fed up with being a bit mad and not my old self. Anyway at work yesterday a patient's reli was aggressive and verbally abusive but I was calm and professional and got myself out of the house and called for some back up. Afterwards, yes I was shaky and my adrenaline levels were high but I carried on and about 2-3 hours after I was fine, I feel really positive about that, imagine if that had happened 4 or 5 months ago.... the other thing is the team was different, with the changes those that were left were kind and supportive, hhmm what a shame that was overshadowed two years ago by the lack of understanding and support that went on. Oh nurses can be mean!

Bank holidays

I worked over the Easter holidays then had some days off now feel really relaxed had a nice time. Dad came down & we went birdying, we saw a marsh harrier at radipole and a whimbrel at the Bill, it was such a thrill, the Harrier was huge, obviously! We chatted to a group from Preston, the "Preston lot". Then we drove home to happy Hitchin ready for the royal wedding, mum and I had a lovely day. We didn't move from the sofa, we watched it from start to finish then over again and again! Much comment on the hats and frocks, the wedding dress and bridesmaids, the Queen & Camilla. Wonderful day, totally exhausted by the end of it! Came home to spend day off with T back to work tomorrow. Saw a whinchat today and bartailed Godwits, both firsts for me. Have joined Portland bird observatory, think they do fab work and have been friendly and helpful so far.

doing well

Since the wedding and the meeting are now behind me things are really looking up, I have been on a level plateau with just a few blips of anxiety, nothing huge. In fact don't want this weeks EMDR would rather keep jogging along with all the grotty thoughts tucked safely away!
On Saturday T and I went to see the new baby, oh he's so sweet and of course I did get broody cuddling him and kissing his little head! We stayed at M + D's it was good to see them both.
It was the first time since summer that I looked forward to doing something, I wasn't at all worried it was such a liberating feeling.
The sun was out today and Bill and I had a lovely long walk, it was warm and we saw loads of birds, well I did he's a dog so not really fussed, what's more I did some painting in the studio, hoorah, what a great day!

Monday monday

Wedding weekend over, the months of anxiety were at least justified, although of course, a waste of time and hours awake when should have been asleep. However its now over and T thought I coped very well, while I can't really see that at the moment, I appreciate that I did not run away screaming or lie under the table in a puddle of urine! It was good to see family for the first time in ages, I just felt very anxious, scared and uncomfortable.
Billy stayed with Fred and Auds I missed him tons but he had a grand time!
I have an appointment tomorrow at work, not looking forward to that, the RCN rep said be honest about my anxieties, we haven't got all day!
Managed Adsa this morning with flying colours I feel, onwards and upwards must keep getting better and back in the saddle.

I am going to stop taking pics of birds with my phone! You can not see what I could see but believe me we went out for a walk this morning to find Purple Sandpipers and there they were having a wash in a puddle with some Turnstones. Perfect start to my birthday.
I had a meeting with my manager this afternoon that was not perfect and I should have listened and taken the RCN rep with me.
T spoke to his brother, who has the new baby, this evening. T looked so happy to be talking to him and he said F sounded tired and emotional. Aww it's such a lovely time, you are so bowled over with emotion and love for the new being in your life, no one can prepare you for it.

New baby

T and I have a new nephew, we are very happy and look forward to meeting him. I'm looking forward to buying him a pressie tomorrow, must not get broody!
Sav has arrived for half term, looking beautiful as ever and talking so fast it will take a few days to tune my ears in again!
Had appointment with occupational health who feel I am not yet robust enough for work, probably right but will I ever be ready? As soon as I start thinking about going back my anxiety levels go sky high again. Perhaps need to try another therapy, CBT rather then the EMDR? I don't know, maybe I will phone psychologist tomorrow.
M was very helpful today and good company.

Chilly day

It's good to have M. home, he had a fab time and returns with lots of dirty washing and a video film with some rather dirty language, will have to wash his mouth as well as his socks!
Billy and I had a lovely walk around the Bill this morning, I was watching an Oyster Catcher on the grass between the beach huts, when a bird of prey plopped down next to it. It was bigger than a kestrel and I didn't know what it was until I got home and looked it up, I couldn't believe it but I emailed the Observatory and they said yes it was a Peregrine (wow!)
Had to go to Asda, it hung over the morning like a heavy weight, I felt anxious and shaky about it. I phoned work and got a rather cool reception, spoke to Mum after and she helped me get it into perspective and move on with the day. Need to stop getting worked up and just try going back.
Good old Mum she saved the day, once again! I cleaned the oven this afternoon, steps back in amazement, we're not moving house and I'm not about to have a baby, but I cleaned it anyway. Or made a start at least! It must be 5 years since I last attacked it, ooppps! The oven kept me away from the studio, so nothing creative going on today, tomorrow has two things going on, eekk will I cope? Wednesday I'll get up there! It's a plan.

Home again, home again, gigetty gig

Had a lovely time at Mum and Dad's the journey was easy this time and I had Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope to listen to in the car. Mum and I went shopping, I could feel how much I had improved in the last few months and felt I coped well. I stupidly didn't take enough medication for my stay so had to go to my old GP's, it took too long out of our short time together, but perhaps it will teach me a lesson. We looked at old photos, it was lovely and we both got sentimental and gooey over Max, Oli and Ella. M+D liked the sketches I had done for the painting to go in the redecorated dining room.
Max has phoned and he sounds like he's having a fab time, still in one piece (phew) and happy, who could ask for more?
Now I am back home with T we can enjoy some time on our own, although not this evening as Leeds are on the TV loosing to Spurs! Billy is fast asleep toasting his tummy in front of the fire. EMDR therapy tomorrow morning, not looking forward to it.

Sunday

Well Max safely dispatched, crawled into bed but didn't sleep a wink until after 5, mind was a whirl or anxieties, none of which seem important in the day. My therapist, Tonic, suggested a night light to turn off the primitive part of my brain that was alert for danger, but it hasn't really helped much. I'll try anything, even cut down my tea and chocolate intake, which is my life blood!
This morning T and I went to the Blue Fish for breakfast, its a fantastic, friendly place to eat great food on Portland. We love it there. There was an irritating table of Rotarians sitting behind us and I tried not to listen and get irritated by them but it wasn't very easy. We booked ourselves a table to celebrate Valentine's. T is always so romantic, I've had roses and pink champagne in the past, last year was wonderful because we were away with my family for my 40th and Tom sent red roses. He is wonderful and I know how lucky I am to have him in my life.
I'm of to Mum and Dad's in a bit. Mum is taking two days annual leave and we are going to look at family photos and chill together. I'm looking forward to it. They are very supportive and I love being with my Mum, Billy is coming too but I will be missing T.