Sunday, 11 July 2010

Sunny Sunday

I have a list of jobs to do and no motivation to get started, it's a beautiful day and we didn't actualy wake up until 11 oops!
I have CBT homework to do, boring. I'm not sure it's helping that much, the therapist is wider than she is tall, it's difficult re:learning behaviour from a woman with low self esteem and a lack of will power. I know that's mean but she isn't that professional, I don't want to hear about the death of her father and her marriage breakdown, I have enough problems of my own and an hour isn't that long when I have to listen to her too. I want it to be all about me!!
Last weekend T and I went to his sister's and celebrated his Mum's 80th birthday we were all there apart from Sav. What a lovely day, we had a picnic and the weather was perfect. Bill was in labrador heaven! It took us ages to get there though. On the way back we talked about moving to be nearer family. It's so beautiful here but it's a high price to pay for missing friends and family and not being able to find another job. We'll see but it's good to be thinking about making positive plans together and talking about change and not getting freaked out!
Well I had better make a start on the homework and the other jobs, perhaps T could iron for me, I hate that job!

Monday, 19 April 2010


T and I went camping again at the weekend, the weather was fab, it was warm and sunny but it was sooo cold at night! Billy was much more settled this time and we didn't have M with us so we went to an 18+ site. I was slightly nervous wondering if it would be like a swingers site but it was very peaceful with out kids and no one asked us for our car keys.
I've been so much better recently but today was a bad day, I'm much more jumpy and Asda was a nightmare. I read a novel over the weekend called Summer of Secrets about a girl with PTSD, it was good, very accurate. I liked her counsellor he was very informative! It's good to be able to concentrate and read again.

Billy by the Fleet

Thursday, 8 April 2010

outdoor madness

When T and I first met I said I would never camp, today we not only bought a tent but booked ourselves a night at a campsite 5 mins down the road to give said new tent a dry run. (lets hope it is a dry night or it will be a one night stand for me and the tent!)
Not sure what has changed my mind but quiet looking forward to getting out of the house and slowing down a bit.
Work is still a struggle andl I haven't had any ideas of what else I could do, i'm very tired and have gone back to feeling as if I'm walking through treacle. Lets hope the time out in the sun has some relaxing benefits to my poor brain.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

So tired

I haven't slept properly in days, the limited amount of sleep I was getting has reduced since starting phased return, little wonder, some of my "mates" at work can be rather brutal. I obviously have a large sign over my head that says "kick me while I'm down"
The carnival college course is fab. I'm enjoying being creative and can get lost in the sketchbook stuff for hours. Some of the teachers on the course can be a bit miserable.
Wish I could think of another job I could do other than nursing, i'll wait for inspiration to strike.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Tough stuff

Being back at work is so very hard, there isn't any understanding about PTSD, which is ok but I don't know who to go to to talk about the lack of support and the huge triggers that exist. I want to be able to get back and be able to cope but I worry about it alot and have become more symtomatic.
Mum and Dad came at the weekend which was lovely, Dad and I saw swallows and wheaters, dad got great photos.
My college course is great, its good to be creative and do sketchbook stuff. I feel like I'm doing alright when I do that.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Back in uniform

1st day back at work today, actually only managed 2 hours, was sick before I went and felt very shaky while there. Next time won't be so bad and I just have to weigh up if I can continue to work with the person that made me so ill and who obviously hasn't made an effort to understand what I've been through. Exhausting spent the afternoon asleep.

Monday, 1 March 2010

doing well

Since the wedding and the meeting are now behind me things are really looking up, I have been on a level plateau with just a few blips of anxiety, nothing huge. In fact don't want this weeks EMDR would rather keep jogging along with all the grotty thoughts tucked safely away!
On Saturday T and I went to see the new baby, oh he's so sweet and of course I did get broody cuddling him and kissing his little head! We stayed at M + D's it was good to see them both.
It was the first time since summer that I looked forward to doing something, I wasn't at all worried it was such a liberating feeling.
The sun was out today and Bill and I had a lovely long walk, it was warm and we saw loads of birds, well I did he's a dog so not really fussed, what's more I did some painting in the studio, hoorah, what a great day!

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Happy days

Yesteday's meeting was positive, T came with me and it was the first time he had met one person and he thought they had a forked tongue. That was a reliefe and I need to remember that when I go back, there is always one fly in the ointment and I need to just keep on the right side, I know now they can't be relied to to help or support me.
So it was great to get it out of the way, I had a long form to fill in to claim that this was injury at work, which was difficult and time consuming, but again it was another thing achieved and out of the way. Today has been a good day, I felt really well today and went out with Emma and didn't feel anxious.
Happy happy day.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Monday monday

Wedding weekend over, the months of anxiety were at least justified, although of course, a waste of time and hours awake when should have been asleep. However its now over and T thought I coped very well, while I can't really see that at the moment, I appreciate that I did not run away screaming or lie under the table in a puddle of urine! It was good to see family for the first time in ages, I just felt very anxious, scared and uncomfortable.
Billy stayed with Fred and Auds I missed him tons but he had a grand time!
I have an appointment tomorrow at work, not looking forward to that, the RCN rep said be honest about my anxieties, we haven't got all day!
Managed Adsa this morning with flying colours I feel, onwards and upwards must keep getting better and back in the saddle.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

I am going to stop taking pics of birds with my phone! You can not see what I could see but believe me we went out for a walk this morning to find Purple Sandpipers and there they were having a wash in a puddle with some Turnstones. Perfect start to my birthday.
I had a meeting with my manager this afternoon that was not perfect and I should have listened and taken the RCN rep with me.
T spoke to his brother, who has the new baby, this evening. T looked so happy to be talking to him and he said F sounded tired and emotional. Aww it's such a lovely time, you are so bowled over with emotion and love for the new being in your life, no one can prepare you for it.

Happy day

Purple sandpipers + turnstones

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Couldn't sleep last night at all, so got up early and took Bill for a long walk around the Bill. Saw so many birds it was great, my phone camera isn't great but that's a snap of some Oyster Catchers and one busy Turnstone flipping seaweed in the air and keeping out of the way of the waves. Max had dentist today, I nearly fell asleep in the waiting room! Bought baby Joseph an outfit, it took us ages to decide, they were all so cute! Then I went to the sewing shop and bought some lovely fabrics to do something creative for Easter, don't know what yet!

Oyster catchers snoozing

Turnstone in front


A few flakes of snow

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

New baby

T and I have a new nephew, we are very happy and look forward to meeting him. I'm looking forward to buying him a pressie tomorrow, must not get broody!
Sav has arrived for half term, looking beautiful as ever and talking so fast it will take a few days to tune my ears in again!
Had appointment with occupational health who feel I am not yet robust enough for work, probably right but will I ever be ready? As soon as I start thinking about going back my anxiety levels go sky high again. Perhaps need to try another therapy, CBT rather then the EMDR? I don't know, maybe I will phone psychologist tomorrow.
M was very helpful today and good company.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Valentine's day

I have had such a lovely, relaxing and special day with the 2 loves in my life, T and Billy dog! T is always very romantic and makes such an effort to make me feel loved, this year was extra special because I'm not myself at the moment and he was so thoughtful.
T made a delicious breakfast and lunch. Later we went to the RSPB's reserve at Radipole Lake, I have wanted to go for ages, the walkways are great with lots of places to stop and look down the reed beds at different birds. We saw about 20 different species. This evening we went for a marvelous meal at the Blue Fish, as always the food was delicious with great flavors and interesting combinations, T's desert was pineapple and chili ! Felt anxious about work and the wedding party today but nether anxieties stopped me enjoying day.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Hair cut, job done!

My anxieties pre trim were justified and accurate, but it's done. Not really sure how it looks, I didn't blow dry it, just pulled a hat on and took the dog straight out after Gem had gone.
There was a discussion on Woman's Hour about PTSD, (in the military) very interesting and relevant. Always good to hear your symptoms described by another person, you feel less mad, less stigmatised. Treated myself to RSPB membership today, think spending time outside has been good for my mental health and want to maintain this when I go back to work. Have requested a relaxing sitting area in the garden for my birthday.
M is being an irritating teen today, rude, stomping, grunting and pushing all the buttons that are guaranteed to make me scream at him! We've had a good week so far, why he has to mess the nest now? I don't know. Is it due to going to his Dad tomorrow? It would make me grumpy!
T has come home with lots of lovely cards and gifts from children in school today, his mat leave cover is over, tonight he is out for his leaving do. I have nicked a strawberry cream from one of the box of chocs!

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Anxiety reigns again

There's an article about PTSD in the Guardian G2 today, but I can't read it because of my poor concentration due to PTSD! It'll probably take me a week.
Took myself way out of comfort zone today, it took me ages to stop feeling shaky and anxious and for T to point out the big improvement I have made, he's right I would not have done half of what I achieved today a month ago and although it felt really uncomfortable, I did do it.
Was stressed by the fact that I had two things booked into today, but the hairdresser cancelled. So I continue to have big hair and can stress about getting it cut and having someone in my personal space, touching my head and talking to me, all at the same time another day. Phew!

Monday, 8 February 2010

Chilly day

It's good to have M. home, he had a fab time and returns with lots of dirty washing and a video film with some rather dirty language, will have to wash his mouth as well as his socks!
Billy and I had a lovely walk around the Bill this morning, I was watching an Oyster Catcher on the grass between the beach huts, when a bird of prey plopped down next to it. It was bigger than a kestrel and I didn't know what it was until I got home and looked it up, I couldn't believe it but I emailed the Observatory and they said yes it was a Peregrine (wow!)
Had to go to Asda, it hung over the morning like a heavy weight, I felt anxious and shaky about it. I phoned work and got a rather cool reception, spoke to Mum after and she helped me get it into perspective and move on with the day. Need to stop getting worked up and just try going back.
Good old Mum she saved the day, once again! I cleaned the oven this afternoon, steps back in amazement, we're not moving house and I'm not about to have a baby, but I cleaned it anyway. Or made a start at least! It must be 5 years since I last attacked it, ooppps! The oven kept me away from the studio, so nothing creative going on today, tomorrow has two things going on, eekk will I cope? Wednesday I'll get up there! It's a plan.

Portland Bill

Chilly morning walk

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Portland Bill

Cormorant or Shag?

Sunny day

Better day today, T at home, although busy writing reports. A bird in the garden that I couldn't identify this morning, I think it was a Black Cap, anyway he was very happy on the seed/berry cake!
While Ireland played rugby and T sat hunched and tense on the edge of the sofa, Billy and I enjoyed a walk around the Bill in the sunshine. A naval ship was firing, I don't know what, just off the coast, it made a very loud noise and 4 plumes of smoke hung in the air for a long time after, the men in the coast guards hut were looking too. I took a pic with my phone but you can't really see much. The gulls were flying so close to the cliff edge it felt as if you could almost touch them, I didn't try, the rocks beneath are not very kindly looking. Plenty of sea birds on the rocks, busy diving in and out of the sea, so amazing to watch.
Max called T to discuss the rugby, he's home tomorrow and it sounds as if he's had a fantastic week away.
Have started another jigsaw this evening and really must try and get into the studio tomorrow, felt a bit like walking under a heavy weight today. Perhaps after yesterday or a night of little sleep this feeling is inevitable and I should make more realistic goals. Tomorrow's another day!

Friday, 5 February 2010

Spent all day fretting over the rep, even though I had emailed her, but I don't seem able to move on and say to myself "ok its sorted, now forget it". Plus I was beating myself up over my lack of executive brain function and wishing I had just said "no" in the first place rather than being bulldozed into a meeting I didn't want. Anyway I phoned work to speak to the team leader but S answered and she was probably busy but her lack of chat makes me think they're probably talking about me and hate me, I know feeling paranoid is part of PTSD but again I'm worrying and replaying the conversation (brief) over and over. Oh bugger I just want to rewind and go back to the woman I was before the trauma, efficient, level, functioning and juggling life.
Felt much better once T got home from work, he makes me laugh at my insecurities and craziness, he's very supportive and calming.
Finally mitts for Loz finished and sewn up the right way round, will post them to her tomorrow. Hope they go with her coat!

Knitty mitts

Ha finished them!


I am having a very anxious morning, the RCN rep has contacted me and now i'm all of a fluster, thank goodness for Mum's intuition, she called and calmed me down, phew. Decided to sew the mitts i'd knitted for loz up and did them back to front, now need to unpick, aarrgh!

Thursday, 4 February 2010


Day started well with EMDR, feeling much stronger and realise that by going out of my comfort zone there will be a down period. I must remember this when I go back to work and take it slowly. Tonic suggested 2 days on and a day off then two days and the weekend to recover, she also said I was like a Pheonix rising from the flames, fab eh!?
Felt panicky and anxious thinking must get my hair cut next week, how ridiculous is that, I don't want to talk to hairdresser or put head back to have hair washed. Still don't particularly want to walk around with big head of hair.
I spoke to RCN rep, well I should have done that along time ago. There is an NHS scheme for people injured at work, funny how no one else has thought to mention this. Wish I had not wasted so many nights worrying about how we were going to cope financially. Have drafted a letter to HR and feel cross that when I asked about benefits last week she kept that quiet.
T and I watched Cinderella Man this evening, I couldn't watch the fight scenes, had to hide behind the sofa! It was a really good film, Russell Crowe didn't look as handsome as he normally does but still great!

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Home again, home again, gigetty gig

Had a lovely time at Mum and Dad's the journey was easy this time and I had Friday Nights by Joanna Trollope to listen to in the car. Mum and I went shopping, I could feel how much I had improved in the last few months and felt I coped well. I stupidly didn't take enough medication for my stay so had to go to my old GP's, it took too long out of our short time together, but perhaps it will teach me a lesson. We looked at old photos, it was lovely and we both got sentimental and gooey over Max, Oli and Ella. M+D liked the sketches I had done for the painting to go in the redecorated dining room.
Max has phoned and he sounds like he's having a fab time, still in one piece (phew) and happy, who could ask for more?
Now I am back home with T we can enjoy some time on our own, although not this evening as Leeds are on the TV loosing to Spurs! Billy is fast asleep toasting his tummy in front of the fire. EMDR therapy tomorrow morning, not looking forward to it.

Sunday, 31 January 2010


Well Max safely dispatched, crawled into bed but didn't sleep a wink until after 5, mind was a whirl or anxieties, none of which seem important in the day. My therapist, Tonic, suggested a night light to turn off the primitive part of my brain that was alert for danger, but it hasn't really helped much. I'll try anything, even cut down my tea and chocolate intake, which is my life blood!
This morning T and I went to the Blue Fish for breakfast, its a fantastic, friendly place to eat great food on Portland. We love it there. There was an irritating table of Rotarians sitting behind us and I tried not to listen and get irritated by them but it wasn't very easy. We booked ourselves a table to celebrate Valentine's. T is always so romantic, I've had roses and pink champagne in the past, last year was wonderful because we were away with my family for my 40th and Tom sent red roses. He is wonderful and I know how lucky I am to have him in my life.
I'm of to Mum and Dad's in a bit. Mum is taking two days annual leave and we are going to look at family photos and chill together. I'm looking forward to it. They are very supportive and I love being with my Mum, Billy is coming too but I will be missing T.

Trying to stay awake...

Max's coach leaves school at 2 this morning. Tom and I managed to persuade M to go to bed at 8pm and get some sleep. He is not nice company when he's tired! So now I'm having an internet browse and blog until it's time to wake him up and wave him off. How worried will I be next week? Still fretting is what I do best at the moment! My eyes are so heavy, I've set the alarm on my phone just incase, thing is if I was in bed I wouldn't be asleep.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Busy day

Tom and Billy in the sun.
Woke up late feeling a bit grumpy, I think it was because there was just so much to do today. Max is off on his school ski trip later tonight, so he needed "help" (haha) getting his stuff packed, it was a bit like pulling teeth. It didn't take as long as I thought it would, but it was a painful experience! I'm sure he will have a great time but of course I am worrid about him.
The dog has it right, he spent most of today asleep in front of the fire, Tom and I took him on a nice walk in the sunshine. We stopped and sat on a rock enjoying the sun and view. Billy managed to squeeze himself between us, he closed his eyes in the sunshine and looked very content.
I did some sketching this afternoon, not much but it was relaxing and good to find time today to do something creative.

Packing 4 ski trip

Max "helping" 2 pack his stuff

Friday, 29 January 2010

Ups and downs

Egret on fleet

ups and downs

Had a great walk with Auds, she's not having a good time at the moment, her husband is unwell, but we both enjoyed our bracing walk along the Fleet, it didn't rain, infact out of the wind the sun was warm on our faces. We saw egrets, oyster catchers, a grebe and curlew, need to look them up and identify which sort, then we went to Value House which was fun. When I got home I phoned human resources, my mum's suggestion. Wish I hadn't, not very helpful and made me feel pretty useless. Want to get back to work, still it didn't take me too long to get the call, so must be getting better. We all watched The Hangover this evening, it was funny.


This is Billy-dog, looking a bit hot and bothered in my Mum's lovely garden. I wish our garden was such a haven, its a bit of a jungle and not very private. Perhaps this year we will get round to making it a little more friendly.
I have been off sick from work with PTSD, it's been a living nightmare, can't believe such a thing could happen to me, but anyway I'm getting better. I've been having EMDR which has moved things along at a faster pace.
Plan to walk Billy with Audrey today, but as usual when we make a walking date its raining!